Let’s Talk About Sex, baby.

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Aw, maayan,  I’ve got kids to think about when it comes to this one, so it’s not as cut and dry used to be. Three kids. Only one who knows about sex because the kids at school told him…kidding, my husband did…

…I remember the morning the “doughnut talk” was scheduled…meaning they were going for doughnuts. I was a wreck and I wasn’t even attending the meeting. It would be a father and son chat, hopefully no diagrams like my husband got when he was a boy. God Bless his experience…my sweet, Preacher Man, of a Father in Law (whom I quite adore for many reasons) gave my young, future husband a hand drawn diagram, fully labeled with ALL the names these parts would or could EVER been known by…yes my virtuous FIL wrote many a dirty word on that diagram…but you know what? I completely see where he was going. I respect that kind of breaking it down.

Awwww, Geeze! I’m trying but I can’t resist a recreation for you guys. Mind you, the original is in a safe, behind a fake Monet, in an undisclosed location, with other important family documents. He may kill me….

This should answer all your questions...just don't want you to be caught off gaurd.
“This should answer all your questions…just don’t want you to be caught off guard.”

For me, on that “doughnut talk” morning, I was crawling out of my skin….please just stay off the vagina as much as possible…I couldn’t handle the thought of my son knowing I had one, and that he had slid head first out of it one summer morning. Ugh.

The talk came and went…smoother than my belly indicated. The need for discretion was also emphasized. This is NOT playground stand up material.

Okay. Whew. One Down. We’ve got some time before the next one…or so I thought, until the middle child and I were engaged in a game of scrabble and he proudly spelled SEX. 😱

My…delayed…response?

ME

“X”… And a double letter score… Way to go, Buddy.

Alrighty…well, it appears some people know some stuff around here…and since I seem to be having trouble admitting that I have a…clear throat…geez, should I just watch more Kardashians? Those ladies seem pretty comfy and cozy with their vajay jays…and honestly, it’s only with my kids do I shrivel up like this. I’m no prude. So why is this? Why so uncomfortable? Let’s talk about sex…and a little about the Internet…no stick figures there.

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Alright, here we go…In order to protect the privacy of all involved…please pretend you don’t know us…

…My kids have developed a pattern that I simply love, and that is, they will come to me and request a private talk…they will unload and release their deepest feelings. They trust me not to judge them, and to help them process through things a bit. I love these talks. Usually. But one caught me off guard recently. It went something like this…

HIM

Mom…I did something that I’m very ashamed of.

ME

(Holy Mother, I’ve never heard him say this before…YIKES)

calmly

Aw, so much stress…take a breath, what is it?

(awwww maayan….could he have gone snooping in my stuff?)

HIM

I was researching on the Internet when an ad to see sexy naked girls popped up and I clicked it!

(tears, sobs, snot)

ME

(Whew, it’s not me….ok, no time for a ritual prayer, I need the Records on speed dial. HELP ME!???!! What do I say to this child?)

So what?

HIM

(halt in the emotional heaving) Huh?

ME

So what? You were curious about what naked girls look like. In some cultures, at this age, you would already be considered a man. You’re not quite a man yet, especially to me, but you are becoming one…and I think that’s all normal… You didn’t show your brother did you?

HIM

(complete shift in processing) No.

ME

Good. Because it’s not appropriate for him, or really you for that matter. I can appreciate and honor your curiosity, but, realize, that there will plenty of time for all this a bit later. There are more innocent things in life to be curious about right now. But, no need to be so hard on yourself for being normal. For being curious. I’m not mad at you, and I don’t think you are a bad person. Let it go.

HIM

(tears well up again) I just feel so bad!

ME

Of course, you do! Because our society has a habit of telling kids to feel ashamed about it! Not everyone, but the majority. That’s why you feel it. And just because society gets some things right, doesn’t mean they don’t need a shift too…look! You are feeling bad for being curious! What have curious people done?

HIM

They changed the world.

ME

Damn, straight they did, son. I’m proud of you for being one….I love you. And seriously, don’t talk to your brother about this…let Dad do it. (And sooner than later based on our last Scrabble game.)

HIM

Yeah, I don’t really ever want to talk about this again…

ME

Well, it’s okay if you do.

(Thank you, Jesus! God! Mary! Buddha! Lao Tzu! All of y’all who just seriously showed up for me…)

The session ended with sweaty hugs, him from crying and me from, well, just sweating. We walked back inside engaged in a good ole Duggar “side hug” and I was profoundly relieved to have found an answer for him besides, “Give me your iPad and your grounded”.

Welp….another parenting moment down…millions to go…but hopefully I’ll get some good recovery time in before my turn for the “doughnut talk” with our daughter. She’s still five so we’ve got some…HOLY &#%*€! Is that Ken doll seriously naked?

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5 thoughts on “Let’s Talk About Sex, baby.

  1. You are my new favorite writer, just saying. How can you get better then sex, spiritualism, mommy wisdom, and Hollywood gender rolls? You can’t! I suspect you’ll break the internet soon once they discover these multiple skills of yours.

    Liked by 1 person

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