One Smart Fellow…

…he felt smart. Two smart fellows, they both felt smart.

That’s right.

Now say it fast…Including the title, the whole thing.

(This is just to prepare you for where we are going in this episode.)

Yes, public farting comes up.

Not by me.

I don’t do that.

Ever.

I shouldn’t say ever…

On purpose, anyway.

I have an interesting history with farting. Growing up, my brother farted often. It disgusted me.

It made me mad, too.

Really mad. Think Angela Basset in “Waiting to Exhale”…like, I’ll throw your shit and everything you own on to our lawn and burn it like she did if you continue to do that in here. 

Yes, I was a little over dramatic.

Yes, I loosened up in college because, that’s what college is for.

But, overall, I still preferred farting in the closet.

I stayed here, in the fart closet, through my twenties. Honestly, I wished more folks would join me in the fart closet.

Wait, I don’t think I mean what I think I mean with that last statement….

Anyway, then I had kids.

When kids come around, so does the public farting.

And it’s really funny… Even the most tight-assed of farters will have to cut up with kids around.

I observed this transition for the first time, like I said before, when I had kids.

However, I meant it quite literally…I’ll set the stage:

Beautiful December Morning in Beverly Hills, CA. I’m in labor with my second baby.

Cedar Sinai. Hospital of the rich and famous.

Huge suite with a stunning picture window and clear view of the Hollywood sign. (Literally, we could see the Hollywood sign…it had been storming in LA and now the sun was breaking through the clouds..so magical.)

Premier baby doctor on the case. (Premier, like he popped up on a reality TV show one time when the lead  “character” had to go the gynocologist… I was like, “HEY! That’s Dr. Katz!”)

Epidural had kicked in, I was feeling no pain.  (First two babies with drugs… the last one, I went old school.)

I had no pain and no feeling, of any kind, from the waist down. Couldn’t even wiggle my toes…kinda weird.

Since I had zero feeling, zero control, I could do ZERO about what happened next.

I accidentally farted.

Then I laughed hysterically.

Because that’s what you do when you accidentally fart in public. It’s embarrassing.

Yes, I was embarrassed, but honestly, I was laughing so hard because I  had no idea it was even coming. It had startled me. SO WEIRD, because usually you know its going to happen and you can do something about it. But I have no feeling from the waist down so I’m screwed! They just keep coming with zero warning.

I would fart again.

I would belly laugh again.

I was also very mad about this…however, the drugs helped mellow me out…also, I found it’s hard for other people to take your mad feelings seriously when you keep farting and laughing at yourself. So, I let it go.

This went on for the next few hours…me farting away in that glorious and swanky hospital suite for the rich and famous.

Pretty soon, he arrived. London. My boy. My second, baby boy. And this farting story would tuck itself away in my memory, until now…because, once that baby gets here, you kinda forget everything else.

We also address why I like make-up tips from dolls.

Yes, this episode will certainly entertain.

Please enjoy this week’s live replay.  (Wait, whaaa? Get it? I said live replay? Why do I hear Beavis and Butthead snickering? I think the fart energy must have attracted them. )

Seriously, let’s get this all out of the way now, because I don’t ever want to talk about this again.

Ever.

Back in the fart closet for me.

With no further ado, please enjoy:

AKASHIC ANSWERS with Emily (click to access replay)

P.S. I had a special guest on one of my FaceBook Live videos this week. A fellow actor who told me this was my only “freebie” and next time I was paying his day rate. He really helped set the stage for all this funny business… Check out my fellow parent, actor, and friend, Ryan Gesell in this week’s Questionable Facebook Live Video.

Namaste,

~Emily

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